You’ve landed a date with someone who looks promising and the big day is here. Whether it’s coffee or dinner, how will you determine who’s picking up the tab? This is one of the questions we hear most frequently at Get Dateable, and we love helping folks solve this dilemma.
Determining who pays based on gender is an antiquated idea that originated in a time when women didn’t earn their own money and had limited access to resources. While women may enjoy a free night out, they also need to be aware of ways they subtly give up their power when they allow or expect men to pay. Buying into gender stereotypes on the first date may signal that you’re willing to relinquish your autonomy in other ways down the road. Men who insist on (or merely feel fine about) paying for the first date should be aware, we’ve had numerous women tell us they sometimes go on dates they’re not interested in because of the incentive of a free meal. Same-sex couples don’t have the same precedents, but they can still unwittingly create a power differential by allowing someone to pay their way. And regardless of gender or sexual orientation, paying for a date can sometimes come with a sense of sexual or romantic entitlement in return. While these truths aren’t pretty, we want you to make an informed and conscious decision about who’s going to pay.
At Get Dateable, we have a policy that each person pays their own way on the first three dates. We created this approach so that the playing field starts out level, and you get to avoid the awkwardness of arguing over the bill or fretting about what to order when the relationship is still forming. If it feels difficult to implement this in the wild without the structure of a policy, here are a few tips and alternatives we’d like to offer you:
- Choose coffee or a walk for your first date. This serves the dual purpose of creating an automatic time limit, and also requires little or no financial commitment with someone you don’t know yet.
- Clarify up front who’s paying for the date. For example, whoever’s doing the inviting can say, “I’d like to take you to dinner on Friday.” This way, the person who is inviting and paying can select a venue that’s a fit for their budget.
- Set the expectation that you’re going to share equally in the responsibility of planning and paying for dates. You may say something like, “I’ll plan this date and if all goes well you can plan the next one!”
Remember, Get Dateable is here to help you become your most dateable self and to overcome all your dating challenges. We would love for you to be part of our community!
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