Let’s say a casual friend has invited you to a party this weekend and you don’t really want to go. Do you:
a. Go anyway
b. Make up a lie about why you won’t be there, or
c. Communicate honestly and directly
In my 25 years as a therapist, I’ve observed that most people will default to a or b rather than taking the straightforward c route. In our culture we’re socialized to believe that honest, direct communication is offensive or impolite, so we make convoluted attempts to save face or spare others’ feelings. Spoiler alert, this rarely makes anyone feel better. If you go to the event anyway you are likely to feel resentful, so your presence isn’t going to bring anything positive to the party. If you lie about why you aren’t going, this will weigh on your conscience and you’ll have to remember the details of the lie you told in case it comes back up later.
Think about what it would be like to say, “Thank you so much for inviting me. I’m not going to make it on Saturday, but I know it will be a great time!” This is kind, direct, and most importantly honest. You aren’t making up a crazy excuse for why you’re not going, and you are giving yourself permission to skip an event you don’t want to attend.
I’ve written about this before - I refer to it as the Shit Sandwich approach. You sandwich the difficult information (I’m not coming to your party) between two more positive statements (Thank you for inviting me, and I know it will be a great time). It works for delivering difficult messages in a variety of situations. For example, if you don’t want to go on a second date with someone you can say, “You are such a great person and I really like your (fill in the blank here with something genuine, such as smile or sense of humor). We aren’t a romantic fit for one another but I have no doubt you’re on the right track to finding your person.”
People are perceptive and can generally sense when you’re not being honest. Think about the last time you were on the receiving end of someone’s indirect communication. How did it feel? It usually feels off rather than sparing your feelings. Remember this when you are delivering information; it almost always feels best to the receiver when you are both honest and kind.
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