A client named John was recently in my office berating himself for his performance in a job interview. He was up for a promotion and he needed to impress the big boss. Instead of rolling off one of the answers he had practiced, he fumbled and had to ask her to repeat the question. Although the rest of the interview went well, John couldn’t stop focusing on his mistake and beating himself up for it.
How we talk to and about ourselves is a thing. If you pay close attention to the messages you tell yourself, I bet you say things you would never say to another person. “Ugh, my ass looks terrible!” or, “Why did I say something so stupid?” are comments you would never direct at your best friend, so why would you think it’s okay to say them to yourself?
Being imperfect goes along with being human. Every one of us makes mistakes, and most of the time we are compassionate when others blunder. So why is it so hard to give ourselves a break? It’s as if we think holding ourselves to a higher standard will prevent us from making mistakes in the future, but this just isn’t the case. Research shows that being compassionate with ourselves actually makes us feel better, which tends to improve our performance in the long run. Here are some tips for being more compassionate with yourself:
- Talk to yourself like a friend. Instead of saying unkind things to or about yourself, practice using the same warmth and understanding you would offer a good friend.
- Celebrate small victories. Acknowledge and give yourself credit for even the little things.
- Practice mindfulness. Most of the time we don’t even realize we are saying harsh things to ourselves. Set an intention to notice your thoughts, and steer your inner dialogue toward kindness.
- Challenge negativity. When harsh self-talk surfaces, gently redirect yourself to statements that feel both true and positive.
- View self-compassion as a journey, not a destination. No one is perfect at being kind to themselves. Your goal is to become more aware of your negative self-talk and gradually start replacing it with kinder statements to and about yourself.
I hope you will join me on the journey to practicing more self-compassion. Let’s speak to ourselves the way we would speak to someone we love. Here’s to creating a kinder, more compassionate world!
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