One of the questions that comes up often with our Get Dateable clients has to do with the pacing of a new dating relationship. How soon do I text someone back? Should I offer to have a phone call right away? When is the right time to suggest an in-person meeting? Once we’ve had a date how often should we see each other? How soon is too soon to be sexual? When should we talk about being exclusive?
If you’ve wondered these things you’re not alone. There are really no hard and fast right answers, so I suggest instead focusing on authenticity and keeping in mind the outcome you want. For example, if you really want to text someone but you’re being gamey and holding out, that’s not authentic. Consider this as an alternative: you are someone who has a really full, interesting life (as opposed to someone who is sitting at home waiting by your phone). When you finish your fun, engaging activities, you will pause for a moment, check your phone, and then you will text back. This is helpful in two ways; it’s making you a more compelling person, and it’s also providing natural pacing because you’re out in the world doing things instead of being on your phone. It’s also making you happier because there is more to life than just finding a date.
If you’re keeping in mind the outcome you want it may change what you decide to do in the moment. You might be hesitant to ask for an in-person meeting for fear of scaring the other person off. But if what you want is someone who’s ready to move forward they will be receptive to your suggestion. If they are put off by your request, they likely wouldn’t be the partner you’re looking for in the long run. Similarly, you might think having sex with someone right away will keep them around, but do you really want someone who’s only staying around because you have sex with them? The right partner will be interested in you as a person in addition to the sexual attraction so there’s no need to rush.
If you really fall for someone, it may be tempting to spend every waking moment together. Remember, you were probably drawn to each other because you have interesting lives. If you abandon your friends and activities in order to be with your new crush, all of a sudden your life has become much smaller and you are both less interesting. Don’t leave your life, your values, or your interests behind for someone you’re dating. It’s not good for you and it’s not good for the relationship.
In a fresh romance, pay attention to the other person’s pacing and energy and notice whether they are a match with yours. If they are very eager but you are lukewarm it probably isn’t a fit. And If you are texting them multiple times a day but they are only responding sporadically, they are likely not as into it as you are. When it comes to pacing, stay mindful and plan your next moves according to what you really want, not just what impulsively feels right in the moment. Trust your instincts. Pause to check in with what your gut is telling you about your actions and about the person you are starting to date. If you’re being true to yourself, paying attention to your own well-being, and keeping your desired outcome in mind the pacing will take care of itself.
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