Jim is a 51 year old man who came into a recent session seeking feedback about his behavior in a new dating relationship. He had recently met Kelly at a party, had gone on a few dates with her, and was motivated to continue seeing her. One of his female friends had given him some feedback that he needed to be more “masculine” in order to keep Kelly’s attention. Some specific things the friend mentioned were that Jim often crossed his legs when seated, he had shoulder-length hair, and his voice wasn’t very deep. She suggested he work on changing these if he wanted Kelly to be attracted to him.
During the past two decades it has become increasingly acceptable (encouraged, even) for men to embrace traits that have historically been considered feminine, such as showing their emotions, nurturing their children, and being vulnerable. But not everyone is on board with this. Some women report being turned off by men who come across as too “soft”.
So what’s a man to do in a culture riddled with these mixed messages? In order to attract the right partner should men be open and expressive with their feelings, or strong and impenetrable? The answer lies at the center of Get Dateable’s core message: authenticity is the most important factor in creating successful relationships.
If it is in Jim’s true nature to cross his legs, wear his hair longer, and speak with his natural (not-very-low) voice, he should continue to do these things. After all, this is the Jim that Kelly was originally attracted to. The key is to behave in accordance with who you really are, not to contort yourself to be what you think society expects you to be. That might mean letting yourself cry when you experience a touching moment, or it might mean unleashing your inner competitor to kick someone’s ass in a pickleball match. The point is, you’re not trying to minimize nor over-emphasize your masculinity based on what you think someone else expects.
Being your authentic self attracts the kind of partner who sees and appreciates who you really are. Pretending to be someone you’re not can’t last indefinitely, so you’re setting yourself and your partner up for failure if you don’t let them see you in a genuine way. Your level of masculinity isn’t what matters; it’s authenticity that lands your ideal partner.
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